Anniversary

     For twenty years I have shared a home, a life, my heart, with one man. Twenty years ago, I pledged my whole being to this man, to live as one flesh with him. And yet the one flesh part remains a puzzle to me. It is real and physical, and yet elusive and mysterious. The physical union of a man and wife is easy to figure out, even when life intervenes in its implementation. But there is so much more to being one flesh than that, indeed a more important aspect than mere physical closeness.  It's hard to imagine how two flawed, selfish people can have their hearts, and souls, their very minds, knit together, becoming more than who they were before, and yet remaining individuals.
     Sometimes it's steady. I feel it when he finishes a sentence for me, or knows exactly how I would feel about something. It happens when I just give him a look, and he knows what is in my heart. It was there when we suffered the loss of our first child, when parents sickened and died, and even when, after hurting each other deeply, we forgave. It was there at the birth of all our living children, when some of our children decided to commit their lives to Christ, and when he baptized the three older kids. It's there when he goes off to work, faithfully, every day to provide a home and safety for his family.
     Sometimes it's fleeting. I feel it in his hasty goodbye kiss every morning, and I wish it could last, but he must go. It happens when I watch him enjoy a meal I prepared and he, knowing how hard it was for me to get dinner on the table with all the other things that I need to do in a day, thanks me for making dinner. It happens when he and I burst out laughing at the same time, or when we agree on something wholeheartedly, when he looks me in the eye and smiles. Sometimes I think I have a grasp on it; then, after a misunderstanding or hard day, it slips through my fingers like sand.
     Whether fleeting or steady, it's hard work. It still mystifies me at times. It doesn't come naturally to me- I can be pretty selfish, stubborn and independent. But I know it is something worth working for, something worth cultivating, something worth sacrificing for. I have been given such a gift in this man and I don't want to squander it, or ruin it, or disregard it. I hope for many more years in which I can come to a fuller understanding of this one flesh bond.  Knowing and loving this man have made me a different person, a better person than I could have ever been on my own, and to God be the glory.