The Autodidact

It's going to be pool season soon. The kids can hardly wait to try out their new suits; the younger ones are looking forward to swim lessons, and the older ones will be working there.  But what kind of pool are we talking about?  The sign on the pool entrance (when the pool is closed) reads:                                         DANGER POOLS                                                CLOSED That's it- no punctuation at all.  My kingdom for some punctuation!  So, we are forced to read this a few different ways. The first problem is the word 'danger'.  What exactly is a 'danger pool'?  We could be talking about pools that pose a danger or are full of danger. But the word 'danger' is a noun, and we all know that nouns can't modify other nouns. To be grammatically correct, the word 'dangerous' should be used.  But then, no one in their right mind would go to the pool.  The second problem is the word 'pools'.  In cases where the

The other day I decided to bake some muffins. Innocent enough, right? But things turned sinister when my oven went terrorist on me and decided to hold my muffins hostage by locking the door. Fortunately, my son and I outsmarted the oven by shutting the electrical supply off, saving my muffins from being burned to a crisp. I'm baking again today and will keep a sharp eye on that oven, you can be sure. On Mother's Day, my refrigerator, which had been emitting a strange odor for 2 days, started smoking. As in fire, not cigarettes. I considered calling the Fire Department, but unplugged the burning refrigerator instead.  A beautiful new one was delivered yesterday.  Now I'm hoping that the oven and the microwave become sentient, arm themselves and duke it out so I can get new ones. I'm thinking stainless steel would look good. I wonder if my homeowner's insurance would pay for that?

 My blood pressure is still high because of something I read this morning. Was it some gloomy story in the newspaper, or some tragedy I read about on the Internet? No. It was something quite simple and seemingly innocent. While administering the Iowa Standardized test to my 6 year old, my eyes wandered to the next section while waiting for my child to finish. And here is what I read (slightly changed to protect the guilty): "He eats faster than me."  It was a section testing on capitalization, not grammar usage. Anyone who knows me well enough can imagine my reaction. Nothing gets me riled up more than improper pronoun usage, except the misuse of 'lie' and 'lay.' Yes, there was  a lot of yelling and gesticulating on my part. My husband surmised that the test makers were probably using the vernacular because most children would have found the correct usage confusing.  I countered with the fact that spoken or written, it was still incorrect. Just because most p

Reading the newspaper can be so depressing. The Police Blotter is full of stories of folks who get themselves into all kinds of trouble. The editorials are full of angry letters. The news stories are often full of gloom and doom. Give me the comics and the crossword puzzle, please!  But this week's Police Blotter had a couple of heartwarming stories. A snapping turtle bravely tried to cross County Line Road in Gates Mills, causing a traffic hazard. The police saved the turtle from becoming road kill, and order was restored to the community. A day earlier, a woman reported strange noises in her house and called the police. Much to everyone's relief, it was just a bird, which was removed from the house and returned to safety. And that's that! No drug deals, no drunk drivers (although the turtle was reportedly weaving while trying to cross), no one was hurt, and it all ended happily. Furthermore, the only other two incidents mentioned in Gates Mills were a barking dog and some

"Not just good for your body, but  for your overall health." This was on the back of the cereal box in front of me this morning. We humans are made of mind, body and spirit, so it made me wonder: what else, other than my body, could oats be good for? My mind? Sure, we all know that a well nourished body makes us think better. But whether or not  a well-nourished body allows us to use our minds to make good decisions is debatable.  What about our spiritual health? Oats are good for that? I had no idea!  Does this mean that my relationship with God, my dog, my neighbors or the universe will be healthy?  The humble oat could help me there?  For that matter, is there any  food (other than the Bread of Heaven) that could really be good for my overall health? That's a pretty bold claim to make! Edie Brickell was right when she sang "Philosophy is the back of a cereal box."  This sort of thing gets the old brain warmed up in the morning, but I think tomorrow I'll h

The ice cream truck is making the rounds in my neighborhood. Do all ice cream trucks have a sign that states : "SLOW CHILDREN"? Ours does. I wonder if the truck is full of slow children, or if  the truck is making an announcement concerning slow children. What about children who are not slow? Is the ice cream man singling out slow children for a reason? This confusion could be cleared up by applying a colon ( not just for emoticons anymore!) in between the words 'slow' and 'children' with a black magic marker. Oh, how I wish I could correct this gaffe myself whenever I see the ice cream truck pass by! I could let my many children swarm around the truck, peppering the poor ice cream man with a dozen questions each about his products, and finally making a selection. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the owner of the truck in question, I  gleefully reach up and correct his sign with my black magic marker. But, I'm a coward, I readily admit. I'll never do it. So,