Storm Coming

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It's the calm before the storm, and I feel a fog enveloping me, making me slow and almost sluggish.  My husband's little brother is slipping away and I am being still. I shouldn't feel this peaceful; there are children to feed, diapers to change, laundry to wash, a graduation party to prepare for, company coming. I've been living in two separate worlds for almost 3 weeks- one of daily chores and running a house, and one of grief and waiting and meetings with hospital staff. The younger children's needs haven't changed and their lives continue on the same course; the teenagers are feeling sad but still caught up in their own lives, and my husband's needs have changed dramatically. And this is where the peace and grace of God come in. I am so aware of His hand, guiding me through, helping me to be all things to my family. This is not of my own power; my natural inclination is to become overwhelmed and over-emotional, but all I am finding right now is a stillness. And this makes me wonder at this life; how we can experience various and sometimes opposing feelings and situations concurrently. How the daily tasks and minor irritations merge with the life-and-death decisions that have to be made. How we can get through the little things without feeling guilty for not dwelling completely on the big things. How can it be that I am making arrangements with friends to borrow items for our daughter's graduation party, and the next phone call I make is to a funeral home? Balance, I keep telling myself; I must find balance. And God has even provided that for me: beautiful children to fill my house when there is incredible sadness, provision for all my needs and enough to share. So the storm is coming, and I am waiting under my umbrella, just waiting on God, waiting for the next thing to do. Just get me through this day, Lord.

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