The Autodidact

Yesterday I spent a few terrifying moments caught in the middle of a school bus convoy. I had dropped my oldest daughter off at a high school where she is temporarily employed as a seamstress in the performing arts center. As I exited the parking lot, a stream of buses started shooting out of a driveway that fed into the road I was using. I had the right of way, but as I inched along, hoping one of the drivers would yield, I could see them looking down on me in my puny Suburban, refusing to give way, sneering at me. Or maybe they were sneering because they were driving buses filled with screaming children. I do that when I have to drive all my kids somewhere. Anyway, there was a slight break in the train of buses so I slipped in and found myself in the middle of 10 buses all jockying for position at the traffic light. The light turned green and I was finally free, or so I thought. The buses in front and behind me ignored the 20 mph through two school districts, forcing me...

Recently, I spent 2 hours on the phone with AT&T's customer service department. I use the term 'service' lightly, and I would use a more descriptive term but for the chance that children may read this. I am done wasting hours of my life dealing with AT&T as I have switched carriers, but I got to thinking about time, and wasting it, and having a lot of time to waste. In particular, our prison population has a lot of time to waste. What if, instead of stamping out license plates 8 hours a day, prisoners were required to spend that time on the phone with AT&T, listening to horrible music while on hold? We could see a reduction in crime of monumental proportions! What if, instead of picking up trash on the side of the road, minor offenders had to devote some of their time trying to talk to someone on the phone whose primary language is not English and who cannot hear well? They would think twice before shoplifting! What if we punished dead beat dads with hour...

Something has been bugging me for years, but only recently have I been able to put my finger on it. When my husband and I got married we were told that we were entering a one-flesh relationship; that we were two, but now one. The state granted us permission to do so and gave authority to proclaim us so to our pastor. But at the same time, the state allows the union to be undermined. Here are some examples: We must have separate library cards and some libraries won't let one of us check out materials reserved on the other's card. Privacy laws! I can't use my husband's credit card; I have to have my own. Only one of us can be the parent on our children's savings account; I cannot transact banking business on behalf of my husband (or my child) if I am not the parent named on the account. At least my husband and I are allowed to hold a joint checking account!  One of us cannot resolve issues with PayPal or utilities in the other's stead if...

It's going to be pool season soon. The kids can hardly wait to try out their new suits; the younger ones are looking forward to swim lessons, and the older ones will be working there.  But what kind of pool are we talking about?  The sign on the pool entrance (when the pool is closed) reads:                                         DANGER POOLS                                                CLOSED That's it- no punctuation at all.  My kingdom for some punctuation!  So, we are forced to read this a few different ways. The first prob...

The other day I decided to bake some muffins. Innocent enough, right? But things turned sinister when my oven went terrorist on me and decided to hold my muffins hostage by locking the door. Fortunately, my son and I outsmarted the oven by shutting the electrical supply off, saving my muffins from being burned to a crisp. I'm baking again today and will keep a sharp eye on that oven, you can be sure. On Mother's Day, my refrigerator, which had been emitting a strange odor for 2 days, started smoking. As in fire, not cigarettes. I considered calling the Fire Department, but unplugged the burning refrigerator instead.  A beautiful new one was delivered yesterday.  Now I'm hoping that the oven and the microwave become sentient, arm themselves and duke it out so I can get new ones. I'm thinking stainless steel would look good. I wonder if my homeowner's insurance would pay for that?

 My blood pressure is still high because of something I read this morning. Was it some gloomy story in the newspaper, or some tragedy I read about on the Internet? No. It was something quite simple and seemingly innocent. While administering the Iowa Standardized test to my 6 year old, my eyes wandered to the next section while waiting for my child to finish. And here is what I read (slightly changed to protect the guilty): "He eats faster than me."  It was a section testing on capitalization, not grammar usage. Anyone who knows me well enough can imagine my reaction. Nothing gets me riled up more than improper pronoun usage, except the misuse of 'lie' and 'lay.' Yes, there was  a lot of yelling and gesticulating on my part. My husband surmised that the test makers were probably using the vernacular because most children would have found the correct usage confusing.  I countered with the fact that spoken or written, it was still incorrect. J...

Reading the newspaper can be so depressing. The Police Blotter is full of stories of folks who get themselves into all kinds of trouble. The editorials are full of angry letters. The news stories are often full of gloom and doom. Give me the comics and the crossword puzzle, please!  But this week's Police Blotter had a couple of heartwarming stories. A snapping turtle bravely tried to cross County Line Road in Gates Mills, causing a traffic hazard. The police saved the turtle from becoming road kill, and order was restored to the community. A day earlier, a woman reported strange noises in her house and called the police. Much to everyone's relief, it was just a bird, which was removed from the house and returned to safety. And that's that! No drug deals, no drunk drivers (although the turtle was reportedly weaving while trying to cross), no one was hurt, and it all ended happily. Furthermore, the only other two incidents mentioned in Gates Mills were a barking dog and so...