26/26

This year I will have been married to my dearest friend for 26 years. Usually, the anniversaries that get more attention are the ones that are factors of 5's and 10's. But this one, 26, is also special to me.

I have been married exactly half of my life. I'm not sure why, but it struck me as significant to have been married half of my time on this earth.

And so, to mark this auspicious anniversary, I give you, in no special order, 26 items that have contributed to an enduring marriage.

1. Laugh. Laugh at yourself, with each other. Laugh at each other when appropriate. Laugh at the end of your arguments, because most of them are silly anyway.

2. Study. Study your husband. What does he like? What are his dreams? What makes him feel loved?(these must be exploited!) What are his fears and insecurities? (these must never be exploited.)

3. Cook. Cook his favorites (if his mom is still around, ask her for ideas). But cook new things for him, too. Cook nutritious, hearty foods. Cook a variety! Introduce him to your favorites. Find new favorites for both of you. Let him cook if he likes!

4. Ask. If you want something, just ask. Don't boss, order, tell, nag or make him guess. Just ask-nicely. Ask clearly. And when appropriate, ask in private.

5. Lift. Lift him up, don't tear him down. When he frustrates you or hurts you, let him know, but couch your criticism in uplifting words, and offer solutions. Tell him how you fell and offer ways he can do things that don't hurt or frustrate you.

6. Praise. Ever find yourself in the middle of a game I call "Assassinate the Spouse"? It's pretty uncomfortable. Always seek to praise your husband in the presence of others. We don't need to know his annoying habits and quirks. (But if there is a serious problem, seek professional/pastoral help). Sure, it's fun to laugh at others' expense, but just don't do it to your husband.

7. Practice Mudita. Sadly, there is no one English word for taking joy in another's joy, success, pleasure or happiness, so I had to look for one in Sanskrit . But it is a necessary aspect of marriage and friendships! When the kids were small and needy, my husband joined a golf league, which meant from April to September, he would be home late one night a week. Ugh. Not what I would call fun for me. I was tempted to say no, to stomp my foot in displeasure. But when I saw how much that one evening a week made him happy and relaxed, I decided to take joy in his joy. How freeing. Sometimes he gets to travel to really cool places, and I gladly listen to his stories when he gets home.

8. Pray. Pray for him, pray with him, pray around him. He has the weight of leading a family on his shoulders. He is accountable to almighty God for this job, so pray for him.

9. Submit. Yes, I said the S word, and you can read more here.

10. Listen. When your husband speaks, listen and don't interrupt. Ask questions, get clarification and contribute to his thoughts. If your husband works in a field that you really can't wrap your head around (mine is an engineer and my brain does not work that way) try to find aspects of his job that you can grasp (I can easily grasp management, HR, workplace ethics and issues easily).

11. Trust. Unless he gives you clear evidence that his is untrustworthy, trust him. Trust him to be faithful. Trust him with finances and with the kids. Trust him with your life. He may break that trust; we are all fallen and imperfect.

12. Forgive. When trust is broken, or hurtful words sting you or he lets you down, forgive. Be the first to own your part in a mutual disagreement or argument, and be the first to forgive. You may be called upon to forgive something really big, something that is entirely his fault, and that's a time consuming process, but so worth it in the end.

13. Respect. Most men need this from their wives, and it's so important. Even if he doesn't deserve it, or even if YOU think he doesn't deserve it, he still needs it. Don't mock him or laugh at his ideas or plans. Don't diminish him with a lack of respect. Don't steamroll over his wishes or preferences as if you didn't even hear him.

14. Thank. Don't forget to thank him for things. Don't let him feel taken for granted. Thank him every day for at least one thing- no matter how small. Look him in the eye, and thank him.

15. Communicate. Articulate your feelings clearly and let him know specifically how you want or need him to respond. Be as clear about expectations and frustrations as you are about what you are grateful for!

16. Love. It's an action, not a feeling. It's a choice and sometimes you won't feel like it. Love him anyway.

17. Encourage. He's going to have bad days or weeks or months, even. Be steadfast and encouraging. Don't smother him, but be unwavering in your support.

18. Hug. Rarely a day goes by that we don't hug as he leaves for work or comes home from work. I get a kiss too! Touching each other, showing affection- it's important.

19. Play. Play games, go outside to exercise, go to movies- find something you both enjoy to play!

20. Challenge. Challenge his intellect, match wits, argue a point- work through an issue logically. Being married to an engineer has taught me this valuable skill- and he really appreciates it. He has, as well, learned to get in touch with his feelings, thanks to me.

21. Celebrate. Make his birthday special. Acknowledge achievements at work with a special meal or a dinner out. Find little things to celebrate- not just big ones.

22. Confide. Tell him your deepest fears and hopes and dreams and secrets.

23. Wash. Do his laundry and be thankful for every sock left on the floor, every stain that you have to scrub out, every wrinkle that needs to be ironed out. Yeah, it seems like drudgery and thankless, but the laundry represents hard work and commitment- so I gladly wash.

24. Pinch. Pennies, that is. It's hard, I know. But when I am frugal, or I wait on an item until I have the cash, or I find an alternate solution to my needs, OR I go without, my husband is pleased. If you are home, and he works outside the home, frugality is an encouragement to your husband. It's our money- he's never ever lorded it over me that he gets a paycheck and I don't- but it does make him feel good when I spend wisely.

25. Read. Read a book together, or read a good book and summarize it for him and discuss. It can be on any topic, or a work of fiction.

26.  Respond. Respond to his ideas, his needs and desires with a good attitude.

If this list seems one-sided, as if I do all the work on our relationship, and he sits back and does nothing, then that would be a mistake. This is my list- I'm sure he could come up with one that speaks to what he does to contribute, and it would fill pages.

He treats me like a queen, an equal, his beloved. He cherishes me, encourages me, and cheers for me.

Here's to 26!




Comments

  1. Love this. Thank you for being a great example to so many of us.

    ReplyDelete

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