The 'S' Word

Submission. So many people don't like that word. When we hear that word, we think doormat, pushover, second-rate or other negative words. It has a bad rap. Women, especially, bristle at the word and hate to think of themselves as submitting to their husbands. Men are afraid to bring it up for fear of offending their wives or getting hit over the head. We've come a long way baby, and all that, right? Why do we need to submit to our husbands? We aren't doormats or pushovers. And let's face it, ladies, we are capable, we are good at being in charge; we can multitask, and assess a situation and quickly make a decision. We can do it all!

But that doesn't mean we should.

Look what happened in the garden: Eve was deceived, made a snap decision, and then told her husband what to do. And it ended in disaster. I wonder what Adam would have done if approached by the serpent first? Probably said he'd think it over, gone home and made a flow chart, worked up some comparisons to all the other fruit in the garden, done some research and talked it over with Eve. Maybe he would have fasted and prayed. He would have asked the serpent a bunch of questions and thought it over some more. After a week or so, Adam would have made a decision. Or, maybe, if Eve had told the serpent she needed to talk to her husband first (always a good idea!), Adam would have either run through all his research with Eve, or said to her "Uh, Eve, God said we shouldn't, remember?" Adam may have decided to go ahead and eat, but maybe not. And if not, Satan would have been back with another great offer, one better than the first. We'll never know. But the decision would have been made by both husband and wife, and that's usually the best. And among the many lessons to be learned by this is that our hearts are wicked, that making the big decisions should not be undertaken lightly, and we should consider that others may be affected by our seemingly unimportant actions, and that perhaps someone knows better than we do.

I'm not saying women can't make good decisions, of course we can. But I also know that we generally tend to make decisions based on emotions and men tend to use logic. These can both be good alone, but when combined, they are even better. It's one of the ways that men and women complement each other.

I think the biggest problem women have with submission is that we just don't know what it looks like. Maybe we had a doormat of a mom, so we think that's what it is, and we want no part of it. Or, maybe our mom wore the pants in the family and our dad was the submissive one, so we have no working knowledge of what it looks like. This, combined with our natural tendency to want to be in control and rule over our husbands, can make early marriage for many of us pretty rocky.

The simplest definition of the word is that we are acknowledging someone's authority over us. But that doesn't quite capture the essence. After all, the wife has authority over her husband's body as he has authority over hers. And we are told in scripture that we are to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ, as well as husbands being commanded to love their wives as Christ loved His church, giving himself up for her, and that is a HUGE commitment! So it's not as simple as a woman recognizing her husband's authority over her, although that is part of it.

One way I like to think of it is with grammar. The two letters 't' and 'h' are independent of each other and have equal standing in the alphabet. But sometimes they are needed to form a new sound: 'th.' And the 't' has to come before the 'h' or it just won't work. It's not that the 't' is better that the 'h,' it's that if we reverse them, we have an unpronounceable sound, and confusion will follow. Or, if you look at our word order in sentences, we have to arrange them in a certain order or else the meaning we are trying to get across gets mixed up, and the hearer gets the wrong message. The sentence may still make grammatical sense, but confusion will still ensue. Everything has its place and function, and they are all of equal importance.

So what does submission look like? It's not that easy to answer, because every married couple is different, and it seems easier to define it by illustrating what it is not. But that's not very helpful.

When we were first married, I had no idea what submission was, but I knew I should practice it. My ever-patient husband offered helpful suggestions and guidance, and watching friends who were older in the faith gave me useful insight. I believe it is something we have to learn and practice.

But what is it? I can answer only for myself as to what it is.

It's letting my husband be a man. He does not need me to nag, constantly remind, or pester him. He does not need me to mother him. He does need me to show appreciation, respect and gratefulness to him, especially when the kids are within earshot. And if I'm being the kind of woman God wants me to be, it's easier for my husband to be a man.  Reverencing my husband.

I'm in the trenches here at home while he is at work, and I have to make a fair amount of decisions. But I will ask him what he thinks we should do when the issues are bigger. We are partners, and he has given me a lot of responsibilities with the children and the house and education, so out of respect and a recognition that he is in authority, I ask him for advice. And if he feels strongly about something and I disagree, then I try to defer to his judgement. Sometimes, upon further review and discussion, he sees things my way, and we change course. Submitting to one another.

It's seeking to follow him and support him in his role, not undermining his leadership. I may think I know better (and maybe I do know better than he does sometimes), but it's not my job to upbraid him or tear him down. A wise husband will listen to the counsel of his wife, but it's the Spirit's job to convict my husband. Building up my house.

My husband has told me that he finds me most attractive when I am submitting to his leadership, or when I have an attitude of submission and respect. Have you ever had something asked or demanded of you by a petulant, bossy and disrespectful individual? You probably didn't want to do what they asked- and who would blame you? It's the same with wives: how about putting on some respect instead of make-up, or adding a splash of submission instead of perfume, or clean up your heart attitude while washing off your face, before approaching him with your wants and needs. Attitude. A little honey goes a long way, and I don't mean this to be manipulative. A man is visual and likes his woman to look nice, yes, but he also responds to and is moved by her heart. Adorning myself by submitting to my husband.

It's being industrious and frugal, using the finances creatively and wisely. When I do this, and I don't always, my husband appreciates my efforts to use our resources as best I can, allowing him to trust me. Nothing shows disrespect and disregard more than squandering what you have been given and blessed with. Watching over the ways of my house.

There are many other ways a woman can respect and submit to her husband; getting to know him well can help a woman figure out how to do it. And asking him point blank if he thinks you are submissive and what ways can you improve in this area is a good place to start.

But what should you do when your husband is asking something of you that you are either ill-equipped to do, or that deep in your heart you disagree with? I have no easy answers, and I must add a disclaimer that, although my husband and I have disagreed on things and argued a lot during our first years, I have not tread where there was a fundamental disagreement on a big issue. So, I offer suggestions, fully aware of my deficiency in this area, and urge women to find counsel from those who are qualified to give it.

So, if I were in this position, I would start with my attitude and motivations. Do I have a general attitude of submission, or have I been nagging my husband about stuff? Are my motivations purely self serving or am I genuinely concerned about people other than myself? Have I asked my husband for help in this area, asking him for suggestions, asking him to pray for me? Have I tried to present my side of things in a logical manner, keeping emotion out of it as much as possible, and at the same time acknowledging his opinions? Am I speaking in a way my husband understands? Have I asked him if we could pray together about this before making a decision? I have found that writing down my thoughts in a clear manner and then either reading it aloud or having my husband read it, has helped tremendously. I would write and re-write and rearrange my thoughts before presenting them, weeding out the heavy emotions and any bitterness or anger, and sticking to the issues.

And if your husband won't budge? Pray for him, pray for God to reveal any sin in your life that needs to be addressed. Ask a couple of friends to pray for you both. But ultimately, unless he is asking something immoral or illegal, or clearly unbiblical, it is your responsibility to submit. And that's a hard thing to do. But your husband is accountable to God for his actions in regards to leading the family, a heavy burden indeed, so pray for your husband to do the right thing, even if you disagree.

You won't always get it right, and neither will he always get the leadership thing right. I often fail to submit to my husband, tripping over my sin, blinded by my selfishness and pride. I am no expert in this area, and I wrote this essay fully aware of that. But when I do manage to get it right, it is a beautiful place to be.

God, in His wisdom, designed the man to lead and the woman to follow. This is something we can choose to do, in spite of our pride or our abilities; in spite of our selfishness or intelligence. He has His reasons and we may not understand them, but submission is as much of an act of faith and worship as it is one of obedience. We can ask God to give us the faith to obey Him and submit ourselves to our husbands and to the One who created us in His image, male and female.