House Rules
Ever see a mom out in public with small children who are running wild? Mom is helplessly on the sidelines, weakly calling out to her little offspring to stop and please come here. Then, putting a bit of authority in her voice she calls to him, but when that won't work, she starts to plead with little junior. And all the while he is happily running away from her and telling her 'no' and 'one more time, OK' or just ignoring her. Then she sighs and gives up and tries to justify her child's behavior with one excuse or another.
I find this painful to watch, because I do feel sorry for the mom who just can't seem to get a grip on things; but I feel sorry for the kid as well. The mom is clearly miserable and the child seems to be having fun, but I doubt it, because he knows no one is really in charge, except maybe himself, and that scares him.
Even scarier is the fact that most kids are better behaved in public than they are at home; at least this has been my experience with my own seven kids. So a bratty little kid in public could be unbearable when he is home.
It does not have to be this way.
Having well behaved kids is not rocket science, although it does take a good bit of energy. They really don't need a lot: fresh air, sunshine, good food and books, lots of love, and most importantly an understanding that they are made in God's image, that they are sinful like the rest of us, and that the cure is Jesus. Beyond that, there are a few more things they need.
1. They need to know what 'no' really means. It is not a word that mom keeps repeating until she loses it; it is a word she has to say once. 'No' does not mean 'maybe'; it's not a suggestion; it's a command. A baby can understand this.
2. Kids need to know mom and dad mean what they say. If mom direct her kids to pick up their toys, go to bed, get in the car, or be quiet, the kids need to know mom means it. And if they have learned what 'no' means, that helps a lot. But kids also need to know that mom and dad are dependable and trustworthy, that they will do what they said they would do. Dad, did you promise your son you would tuck him in bed and read him a story? Then don't keep him waiting until he's asleep; go do it. Mom, did you tell your children that you would let them do something fun at a certain time? Do all you can to make it happen. Consistently providing a home that is safe and loving, but that has clear boundaries can help gain your child's trust, and that goes a long way in having a happy, well-behaved youngster.
3. Boundaries must be clear and consistent. Ever think much about a fenced in yard, beyond the fact that when the kids are in it, you don't have to watch them as closely and maybe you can get some housework done while they play? Think about how a kid sees the fence. He knows that when he goes in the yard to play, he can go pretty much anywhere he wants within the fence. Without a fence, he has to make a judgement call every time he is outside as to how far away from the house is safe, and the younger he is, the less likely he will make a good decision. And what kid needs that kind of pressure? As he gets older, he understands that the fence marks out a safe place for him to play, and beyond it could be danger, the least of which is getting yelled at by mom for leaving the yard. It's the same with having boundaries or rules in your home. Now, I'm not talking about having a long list of rules that are printed out and posted on the fridge, so no one forgets them. Nor am I talking about physical boundaries, except a well-placed baby gate. But if I do find I need to lay down some rules, I keep them simple and few; and more importantly, I try to be consistent in enforcing them. Can't think of any rules? Start with #s 1 and 2 above and work from there. Kids want and need rules and boundaries, even when they act like they don't; rules are like mom's arms wrapped around them- they make kids feel safe.
4. Parenting strategies must change over time as children enter new phases of development. When my kids were little, my parenting style resembled a dictatorship, in that I did not need the consent of the kids to set the rules. Rules number 1 and 2 were non-negotiable. As the adult, I got to make the rules, (without letting the power go to my head). For instance, meal time was meal time and you either ate what I fixed or you went hungry until the next meal (or you could finish the lunch you wouldn't eat, if you are really hungry). I am not a short order cook. Bed time is bed time; I want to have some time to myself, and kids need their rest, so off you go to bed. Not sleepy? Too bad; look at a book or listen to some music in your bed. As the kids got older, I employed more of a republic style of government, (except there were no elections of leaders). Older kids (around 10 and older) need to understand the reasons for the rules, and can have some input, all the while knowing that mom and dad have the final say. As they age, they get more freedom and responsibility, gradually heading for adulthood. And if you end up with a child over 18 living in your house, they should be living (mostly) autonomously, governing themselves. The real fun starts when you have kids that fit into all three stages!
Now, I shouldn't have to say this, but I will. This is all carried out lovingly and gently. There's no need for yelling (but sometimes it happens) and there is never any belittling of the little folk. I am not on a power trip; in fact, I am daily humbled by how little I know, how little patience I have, and how selfish I am. I could not do this job without God's help and daily mercy. God has given me (and my husband) a great responsibility in raising these children. I take this job seriously; this job of shaping eternal souls. The rules may sound harsh and super strict at first, but when applied with good intentions, a desire for what's best for the child, and a smile (even when you don't feel like smiling), you are actually loving your child. And let me say this: it's much easier to start out strict and gradually loosen up, then to do it the other way around.
And if you are wondering, yes, I do spank my younger kids. Not often, not in anger, not with my hands, and not past 8 years of age or so. That is a subject for another day, but I will say that applied properly and biblically, spanking is just one of many effective parenting tools that I employ. An anti-spanking parent can still be effective. I use it as a last resort.
Many moms see my kids in public, behaving themselves and they find it remarkable, or they comment on my older kids' strong work ethic. They like what they see, but admit that they can't seem to do the same; they can't figure out what to do with their own kids. A couple of moms have even told me that's why so many couples stop having kids after their second one, so as to keep the chaos and lawlessness to a minimum. There are lots reasons to decide to stop having kids, but it makes me sad that this is one of them.
It does not have to be this way.
It's not complicated, and most parenting books take 300 pages or more to say what I have said here, and so parents try this book and that book, get overwhelmed, and then give up!
But what about when mom is sick? For long periods of time, even? Cumulatively, I have spent years parenting from the couch because most of my pregnancies were awful or because of chronic migraines, or just not feeling well. And when these times stretched out for weeks or more, the parenting became lax, and the kids got out of hand. My husband did his best, working around his work schedule to keep discipline from disappearing altogether. But on good days, or when I was on the mend from whatever ailed me, I clamped down pretty quickly and it wasn't long before things settled down. I learned that the housework could wait; the children's character could not.
Simple? Yes. Easy? No. The hard part is not usually an unmanageable child, but an unmanageable adult. This parenting thing takes a huge commitment, lots of time and energy, and plenty of courage. Commitment to stick to your principles, to pray for your kids, to teach them the right way to live, and to love them even when they are unlovable. Time spent with them, living your life with them, being there for them, talking with them, reaching into their little hearts. Courage to say 'no' and mean it, to risk facing the displeasure of your kids because you had the guts to lay down the law. And courage to admit that, sometimes, you are wrong, because we all make parenting mistakes.
If you do nothing else for your kids, if you never become an exciting, fun parent, if you have no extra energy to put into parenting, just do this. In fact, if you have only energy for parenting OR housework, put the energy into parenting. You do not have to be popular with your kids; you are not called to be their friend (until they are out on their own). They need you to be their parent. They need you to be in charge. They need you to be strong. Take courage; you can do this.
I find this painful to watch, because I do feel sorry for the mom who just can't seem to get a grip on things; but I feel sorry for the kid as well. The mom is clearly miserable and the child seems to be having fun, but I doubt it, because he knows no one is really in charge, except maybe himself, and that scares him.
Even scarier is the fact that most kids are better behaved in public than they are at home; at least this has been my experience with my own seven kids. So a bratty little kid in public could be unbearable when he is home.
It does not have to be this way.
Having well behaved kids is not rocket science, although it does take a good bit of energy. They really don't need a lot: fresh air, sunshine, good food and books, lots of love, and most importantly an understanding that they are made in God's image, that they are sinful like the rest of us, and that the cure is Jesus. Beyond that, there are a few more things they need.
1. They need to know what 'no' really means. It is not a word that mom keeps repeating until she loses it; it is a word she has to say once. 'No' does not mean 'maybe'; it's not a suggestion; it's a command. A baby can understand this.
2. Kids need to know mom and dad mean what they say. If mom direct her kids to pick up their toys, go to bed, get in the car, or be quiet, the kids need to know mom means it. And if they have learned what 'no' means, that helps a lot. But kids also need to know that mom and dad are dependable and trustworthy, that they will do what they said they would do. Dad, did you promise your son you would tuck him in bed and read him a story? Then don't keep him waiting until he's asleep; go do it. Mom, did you tell your children that you would let them do something fun at a certain time? Do all you can to make it happen. Consistently providing a home that is safe and loving, but that has clear boundaries can help gain your child's trust, and that goes a long way in having a happy, well-behaved youngster.
3. Boundaries must be clear and consistent. Ever think much about a fenced in yard, beyond the fact that when the kids are in it, you don't have to watch them as closely and maybe you can get some housework done while they play? Think about how a kid sees the fence. He knows that when he goes in the yard to play, he can go pretty much anywhere he wants within the fence. Without a fence, he has to make a judgement call every time he is outside as to how far away from the house is safe, and the younger he is, the less likely he will make a good decision. And what kid needs that kind of pressure? As he gets older, he understands that the fence marks out a safe place for him to play, and beyond it could be danger, the least of which is getting yelled at by mom for leaving the yard. It's the same with having boundaries or rules in your home. Now, I'm not talking about having a long list of rules that are printed out and posted on the fridge, so no one forgets them. Nor am I talking about physical boundaries, except a well-placed baby gate. But if I do find I need to lay down some rules, I keep them simple and few; and more importantly, I try to be consistent in enforcing them. Can't think of any rules? Start with #s 1 and 2 above and work from there. Kids want and need rules and boundaries, even when they act like they don't; rules are like mom's arms wrapped around them- they make kids feel safe.
4. Parenting strategies must change over time as children enter new phases of development. When my kids were little, my parenting style resembled a dictatorship, in that I did not need the consent of the kids to set the rules. Rules number 1 and 2 were non-negotiable. As the adult, I got to make the rules, (without letting the power go to my head). For instance, meal time was meal time and you either ate what I fixed or you went hungry until the next meal (or you could finish the lunch you wouldn't eat, if you are really hungry). I am not a short order cook. Bed time is bed time; I want to have some time to myself, and kids need their rest, so off you go to bed. Not sleepy? Too bad; look at a book or listen to some music in your bed. As the kids got older, I employed more of a republic style of government, (except there were no elections of leaders). Older kids (around 10 and older) need to understand the reasons for the rules, and can have some input, all the while knowing that mom and dad have the final say. As they age, they get more freedom and responsibility, gradually heading for adulthood. And if you end up with a child over 18 living in your house, they should be living (mostly) autonomously, governing themselves. The real fun starts when you have kids that fit into all three stages!
Now, I shouldn't have to say this, but I will. This is all carried out lovingly and gently. There's no need for yelling (but sometimes it happens) and there is never any belittling of the little folk. I am not on a power trip; in fact, I am daily humbled by how little I know, how little patience I have, and how selfish I am. I could not do this job without God's help and daily mercy. God has given me (and my husband) a great responsibility in raising these children. I take this job seriously; this job of shaping eternal souls. The rules may sound harsh and super strict at first, but when applied with good intentions, a desire for what's best for the child, and a smile (even when you don't feel like smiling), you are actually loving your child. And let me say this: it's much easier to start out strict and gradually loosen up, then to do it the other way around.
And if you are wondering, yes, I do spank my younger kids. Not often, not in anger, not with my hands, and not past 8 years of age or so. That is a subject for another day, but I will say that applied properly and biblically, spanking is just one of many effective parenting tools that I employ. An anti-spanking parent can still be effective. I use it as a last resort.
Many moms see my kids in public, behaving themselves and they find it remarkable, or they comment on my older kids' strong work ethic. They like what they see, but admit that they can't seem to do the same; they can't figure out what to do with their own kids. A couple of moms have even told me that's why so many couples stop having kids after their second one, so as to keep the chaos and lawlessness to a minimum. There are lots reasons to decide to stop having kids, but it makes me sad that this is one of them.
It does not have to be this way.
It's not complicated, and most parenting books take 300 pages or more to say what I have said here, and so parents try this book and that book, get overwhelmed, and then give up!
But what about when mom is sick? For long periods of time, even? Cumulatively, I have spent years parenting from the couch because most of my pregnancies were awful or because of chronic migraines, or just not feeling well. And when these times stretched out for weeks or more, the parenting became lax, and the kids got out of hand. My husband did his best, working around his work schedule to keep discipline from disappearing altogether. But on good days, or when I was on the mend from whatever ailed me, I clamped down pretty quickly and it wasn't long before things settled down. I learned that the housework could wait; the children's character could not.
Simple? Yes. Easy? No. The hard part is not usually an unmanageable child, but an unmanageable adult. This parenting thing takes a huge commitment, lots of time and energy, and plenty of courage. Commitment to stick to your principles, to pray for your kids, to teach them the right way to live, and to love them even when they are unlovable. Time spent with them, living your life with them, being there for them, talking with them, reaching into their little hearts. Courage to say 'no' and mean it, to risk facing the displeasure of your kids because you had the guts to lay down the law. And courage to admit that, sometimes, you are wrong, because we all make parenting mistakes.
If you do nothing else for your kids, if you never become an exciting, fun parent, if you have no extra energy to put into parenting, just do this. In fact, if you have only energy for parenting OR housework, put the energy into parenting. You do not have to be popular with your kids; you are not called to be their friend (until they are out on their own). They need you to be their parent. They need you to be in charge. They need you to be strong. Take courage; you can do this.
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