Stay at Home Wife

When my husband and I were engaged, we discussed many topics: how many kids we wanted, what would our household budget look like, where to go to church, and if I would work or stay home. Yes, you read that last one right. We weren't going to have kids right away, and so it would seem like a no-brainer  that I would work until we started having kids, and so the question would be where to work, not if to work. That's what most of my peers were doing, but I wanted out.

Out of the working world, where women can be vicious back-stabbers and gossips, or just silly, and men either patronize you or sell you short, or just do not know how to treat you. Out of someone else's schedule and demands and agenda. Out of the working world, where I would have to work not only for someone else, but work for my husband as well, keeping house and cooking.

We both agreed that my staying home from the start was something we both wanted; I was thrilled and my then-finance was relieved to know I would be home. But not other people. I was really surprised at the reactions I got when women found out I was a stay at home wife, and not a respectable stay at home mother. And all of these concerns were voiced by women, not men, even though I knew plenty of men at the time who had ample opportunities to comment.

We went to a party as newlyweds and I found myself sitting at a table of women discussing what we all did for a living. All of them either worked and had no kids, or were stay at home moms. When it was my turn and I announced that I did not work or have kids, there was an uncomfortable silence. Then one of them tentatively and yet condescendingly asked what I did all day. I brightly told her that I was in a weekly ladies' Bible study and was taking a couple of classes and occasionally babysat, but that I primarily focused on taking care of my husband. Cooking meals from scratch, making sure he had nice looking clothes to wear to the office, taking care of the car (at the time we shared one car) and the yard; in short, making our home a castle, a place of refuge and peace. I was spoiling him and I loved it.

Dead silence ensued. I saw a couple of stifled snickers. They did not know what to say and they all looked uncomfortable. I had said the wrong thing.

I had rejected what the world had to offer and chose instead to serve my husband. I had chosen to live frugally, with one car, and no vacations or cable TV, over my own money and car and sense of importance. I had chosen a very narrow path, trod by very few. And while their mothers or grandmothers may have done this, they probably had no peers that had made this choice. I was swimming upstream alone.

Over the 3 years that we were childless, I was asked about this decision by several women, but never by men.

There's really no big secret or deep conviction involved here; we simply both wanted this, we could afford it (barely) and so we chose to do it. I know a lot of couples could never do this because of finances, and I am in no way denigrating those couples who choose (or have to) to both work, for whatever reason. I am so very grateful for those first years of marriage to be free to come and go as I pleased. Free to pursue my interests, free to get to know my husband, free to savor time alone. Soon enough, I would be swamped, I mean blessed (!), with children, and those days of freedom would be over for a season.

But some things have always puzzled me. Why have men never asked or said anything negative? Did I confirm in their minds that a woman's place is in the home? Did they secretly wish their wives were willing to do this? Did they even have an opinion? And why were so many women condescendingly curious or outright negative about our decision? Did they think I was selling out, deserting the ranks of working women? Were they secretly jealous? Did they think I should probably stay home anyway because I wasn't smart/educated/talented enough to hold down a job?

I'll never know the answers to those questions, but I know we made the right decision. I was never torn between pleasing my boss and pleasing my husband. I never had to make the difficult adjustment to life at home and a new baby at the same time, like so many women I know. While I have pursued hobbies and interests, my attention and heart were never distracted or divided.

And the payoff? A husband who treats me like a queen, an equal, a partner. A husband who never lorded it over me that I didn't work outside the home and contribute my share of the finances; he has always referred to the money he earns as 'ours.' A husband who sacrificially loves me and is willing to calm fussy babies, change diapers, clean up vomit, and get up the middle of the night for whatever reason. A husband who makes sure I have always had whatever I needed to do my job, who surprises me with flowers, who fixes everything that I break. A husband who does all that and more, without complaint. Without complaint. And still asks me out on dates.

I would say I got the better end of the deal, that the rewards far outweighed any sacrifice on my part. Swimming upstream is hard, and can be lonely, and I know some looked down on me, but my husband has always been in my corner. I can honestly say that my self esteem has remained intact and my mind has certainly been challenged by home educating the kids as well as my healthy appetite for reading. I know I have worth in the eyes of my family and more importantly, in God's eyes. That being "just a housewife" can be a rewarding and fulfilling occupation; like anything, what you get out of it depends largely on what you put in. And I put in my all.