Boys to Men
Recently, someone posed this question to me: What does it mean to teach our boys how to be boys? I pondered this for days and came up with another question: Do we need to teach them how to be boys? I asked that at the breakfast table and the responses varied. The 17 year-old looked at me oddly, said 'no' and went back to reading the paper, and the 5 year-old proudly showed me some new-fangled weapon he had fashioned out of Legos. The 11 year-old thoughtfully replied with another question: "does that mean we aren't boys until you teach us how?"
I have three sons but they are so very different from one another. One never played with dolls, even though he has a sister very close in age who made him play whatever she wanted. Another son, to the delight of his sister, can style her dolls' hair and coordinate outfits. And yet another plays with dolls only if it means he can hog-tie them with rubber bands, or make them Karate chop each other or get kidnapped by his Army guys.
Such different approaches, different styles, yet they are all boys. They protect their sisters, help lift heavy items for me, hold the door for ladies in public and dream of being men someday. They love to draw and paint, take things apart to see how they work, and design and build things. They wrestle and fight, have Nerf gun wars, line up their Army guys for rubber band battles, shovel snow, haul in fire wood and enjoy a good book, either by themselves or read aloud.
I don't think I have had to teach them how to be boys, even in a house full of girls. No, they were and are boys from the start. I think the more important question is: Do we have to teach our boys to be men?
I think we do.
But does that mean our boys can only grow up to have a certain kind of career? Does it mean we better not let them play with dolls, lest they somehow not become men? Does the way they play as boys have a direct effect on what kind of man they will be? What makes a man a man?
My husband is a man, through and through. He is modest in stature, wiry but not super muscular, strong, but not in a Hulk Hogan kind of way. He can fix the car and repair most anything, but he is also a great cook and can clean up the kitchen or vacuum like no one else. But these do not make him a man. Some men are over 6 feet tall and possess a superb physical prowess; they hunt and butcher their own meat and can live off the land indefinitely. But that does not make them men. What makes a man a man is deeper; it's his character- his heart and mind.
My boys don't have to grow up and do the same kind of job my husband does; they don't need to have the same hobbies or talents. But I do want them to possess manly (not necessarily masculine) traits. Any man can be manly, even if he does not fit into the culture's ideal of masculinity.
1st Timothy 3:8-12 serves as a guideline for a deacon in a church, but it's also useful as a guide for just being a man. Verse 8 tells us that he must be worthy of respect or dignified. It then tells us he should not be a drunkard or pursue dishonest gain (both are things a dignified man would not do). Verse 9 reads that a man must hold onto the faith and at the same time pursue and maintain personal holiness or moral uprightness. Understanding the truths of scripture and the faith are pretty useless in the hands of an immoral man. Verse 10 states that a man must be tested in these things before he can be a deacon, but a boy or young man could test himself against these things in his pursuit of manliness as well. Verses 11 and 12 are directed to a married man, and certainly, a man can be manly without being married. But if he is, he needs to look to his own house to make sure his wife is also worthy of respect, not a drunkard or a gossip, and to make sure that his children are not unruly. And how does he do this? Well, there are no guarantees, and we can't really be held responsible for the actions of others, but a good place for a man to start would include adhering to the first three verses.
To me, there is nothing more manly than a man on his knees, praying for his family. Laying down his own life to serve those in his care. Setting aside his own desires to seek the happiness and well being of his wife and children. There is nothing more manly than being a man of conviction, integrity and faith. Knowing he is far from perfect and leaning heavily on the One who is, he faithfully provides and protects, and does his duty as best he can. Nothing more manly than seeing a man hold his newborn baby and melt inside, realizing the awesome gift and responsibility he his holding in his hands.
No matter his physical looks, or his career or talents, a man can do all those things. Does it matter if he played with dolls or Army guys? Magic wands or guns? Drew pictures or built forts? Made daisy chains or climbed trees? Maybe, maybe not. My boys aren't grown, so I have no personal experience to rely on. But I do know that the goal is manhood, not learning how to be a boy. Boyhood is the time to be learning the ways of men, and boys can learn this no matter their preferred method of play. The boy who played with dolls or magic wands, made daisy chains or drew pictures just might be the man that becomes a pediatrician, an inventor, a farmer or an engineer. He might become a toy designer, an artist or a writer. But no matter their calling, we need men to be men.
I have three sons but they are so very different from one another. One never played with dolls, even though he has a sister very close in age who made him play whatever she wanted. Another son, to the delight of his sister, can style her dolls' hair and coordinate outfits. And yet another plays with dolls only if it means he can hog-tie them with rubber bands, or make them Karate chop each other or get kidnapped by his Army guys.
Such different approaches, different styles, yet they are all boys. They protect their sisters, help lift heavy items for me, hold the door for ladies in public and dream of being men someday. They love to draw and paint, take things apart to see how they work, and design and build things. They wrestle and fight, have Nerf gun wars, line up their Army guys for rubber band battles, shovel snow, haul in fire wood and enjoy a good book, either by themselves or read aloud.
I don't think I have had to teach them how to be boys, even in a house full of girls. No, they were and are boys from the start. I think the more important question is: Do we have to teach our boys to be men?
I think we do.
But does that mean our boys can only grow up to have a certain kind of career? Does it mean we better not let them play with dolls, lest they somehow not become men? Does the way they play as boys have a direct effect on what kind of man they will be? What makes a man a man?
My husband is a man, through and through. He is modest in stature, wiry but not super muscular, strong, but not in a Hulk Hogan kind of way. He can fix the car and repair most anything, but he is also a great cook and can clean up the kitchen or vacuum like no one else. But these do not make him a man. Some men are over 6 feet tall and possess a superb physical prowess; they hunt and butcher their own meat and can live off the land indefinitely. But that does not make them men. What makes a man a man is deeper; it's his character- his heart and mind.
My boys don't have to grow up and do the same kind of job my husband does; they don't need to have the same hobbies or talents. But I do want them to possess manly (not necessarily masculine) traits. Any man can be manly, even if he does not fit into the culture's ideal of masculinity.
1st Timothy 3:8-12 serves as a guideline for a deacon in a church, but it's also useful as a guide for just being a man. Verse 8 tells us that he must be worthy of respect or dignified. It then tells us he should not be a drunkard or pursue dishonest gain (both are things a dignified man would not do). Verse 9 reads that a man must hold onto the faith and at the same time pursue and maintain personal holiness or moral uprightness. Understanding the truths of scripture and the faith are pretty useless in the hands of an immoral man. Verse 10 states that a man must be tested in these things before he can be a deacon, but a boy or young man could test himself against these things in his pursuit of manliness as well. Verses 11 and 12 are directed to a married man, and certainly, a man can be manly without being married. But if he is, he needs to look to his own house to make sure his wife is also worthy of respect, not a drunkard or a gossip, and to make sure that his children are not unruly. And how does he do this? Well, there are no guarantees, and we can't really be held responsible for the actions of others, but a good place for a man to start would include adhering to the first three verses.
To me, there is nothing more manly than a man on his knees, praying for his family. Laying down his own life to serve those in his care. Setting aside his own desires to seek the happiness and well being of his wife and children. There is nothing more manly than being a man of conviction, integrity and faith. Knowing he is far from perfect and leaning heavily on the One who is, he faithfully provides and protects, and does his duty as best he can. Nothing more manly than seeing a man hold his newborn baby and melt inside, realizing the awesome gift and responsibility he his holding in his hands.
No matter his physical looks, or his career or talents, a man can do all those things. Does it matter if he played with dolls or Army guys? Magic wands or guns? Drew pictures or built forts? Made daisy chains or climbed trees? Maybe, maybe not. My boys aren't grown, so I have no personal experience to rely on. But I do know that the goal is manhood, not learning how to be a boy. Boyhood is the time to be learning the ways of men, and boys can learn this no matter their preferred method of play. The boy who played with dolls or magic wands, made daisy chains or drew pictures just might be the man that becomes a pediatrician, an inventor, a farmer or an engineer. He might become a toy designer, an artist or a writer. But no matter their calling, we need men to be men.
I think that while you've been helping boys grow into men, you've done quite a bit of growing too! Thanks for sharing the journey so eloquently with the rest of us. :)
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