Getting Ready for Company
Lately, I have been reading about moms with young kids who seem to be completely comfortable (if not reveling) in their messiness (theirs as well as their kids'). Some even say that a messy house must mean happy kids. I even recently read an article with tips on how to show love to a mom with young children. It was a nice little essay, filled with things you'd expect. Drop off dinner. Borrow one of her kids for the day. Offer to babysit. Surprise her with a gift just for her. And they were lovely ideas.
But nestled in the list was an item that caught my eye. It was unexpected and different. It was something I would never think to do (and never will). It just didn't fit in with the whole idea of hospitality.
Since we all know that (according to the author) moms with young children are incapable/too tired/too busy/whatever to keep a reasonably tidy house, invite your friend over and don't clean up (and that's OK). But not only don't clean up, throw some clutter around your house to make her feel really welcome. Because, in fact, according to the author, tidiness with children is futile, so why try?
How condescending. How presumptuous. Many other adjectives came to mind, such as slothful and rude, selfish and belittling. Invite someone over, and decorate your home with clutter.
I'm not even going to go into her assumption that motherhood and housekeeping are mutually exclusive and impossible to reconcile. How women are somehow not able to mother their kids and keep house, so they should just opt for the mothering part. Certainly, motherhood changes how a woman keeps house, and she has less time to do it. She has to think faster on her feet and get creative and reorganize her home. But I'm not going to address the idea that we stay at home moms just can't handle it. OK, I have gone into it, and while I am here, why is there a prevailing opinion among younger moms that it's impossible to clean house with young children around? As if we helpless females can only be a mother or a home maker, but not both?
I think this is a cop-out. I think there is a real temptation to hide behind our kids and their needs to get out of the work it takes to make our homes places of order and peace, of rest and beauty. We don't have to sacrifice motherhood for order or the other way around. We can have both! I spend the better part of my day ministering to my 7 kids, from teaching the little ones their lessons, to reading to the wee ones and disciplining them, to helping the older ones struggle through teenagedom. I do not spend much time on housework, but somehow, it manages to get done even if it's not when and how I want.
Is this easy? No. But we didn't accept the call to motherhood and homemaking because it promised a life of ease. We chose this because we felt it was our calling and it was the right thing to do for ourselves. Will we or should we live in pristine houses that are forever clean? No. Should we live in chaos and disorder? No. But we should strive for order and peace and encourage those who struggle with this. We should teach our children that, out of gratitude for the things we have, and out of gratitude for the privilege of staying home together, we will take care of our surroundings together. This is honoring the husband and father out there slogging through his day, when he'd rather be on the golf course or puttering in his garden or just hanging out at home with his family. And when we have company coming, we get ready for them by doing things that will bless them, thinking of their comfort and needs. In doing so, we teach our children how to honor others and think more highly of them than ourselves.
A hostess who decides to toss some clutter around is presuming several things. On one hand, she presumes that her guest lives in chaos and disorder and is comfortable in it, simply because she is a mother of small children. Or, she presumes that her guest lives in chaos and disorder and doesn't like it, but has accepted her lot in life, because she is a mother of small children, and we all know that these women must all live that way. In either case, she assumes her guest would be offended or put off by a neat house. This is a double standard as well: it's OK for the messy mom to show off her mess, but it's not OK for a neat mom to be neat. Sure, most women don't really care what your house looks like; they are just glad to see you. But I think it's safe to err on the side of caution, and put your efforts into tidying up.
And so our hostess condescends to her guest by tossing about some clutter to make her feel special.
I'm not picking on this one particular blogger, as I know there is a movement afoot by younger moms to live in clutter and disorder and just let it all hang out. The particular blog I refer to is just one example. There are plenty of blogs and websites and facebook pages dedicated to disorderly living. Moms have just given up on the whole neat and tidy thing and even try to out do each other in a twisted new version of mommy wars to see who can have the messiest house. But this is going too far.
And I know that in previous generations women judged each other by how well-kept and clean their houses were, and that's not right either. I grew up in a home where cleanliness was not next to godliness, it was godliness. Order in the home trumped everything and everyone else in the home, and in that case, maybe a messier home would have meant happier children. But how about a middle ground? How about picking up the living room and setting the table for your guest? How about wiping down the powder room sink, lighting a candle, and putting up a clean towel? No need to scrub the floors and wash the windows or clean the entire house. No need to iron the bed sheets or clean the closets. Let the rest of the house just be. Just a simple gesture that takes about 10 minutes on your part to show your guest that she matters to you. That you are glad to see her and have been anticipating her visit. And in doing so, you offer her a respite from her hectic, busy day. You offer her a tidy house and a beverage and relaxation, caring for her in a way that her small children cannot. And this is showing love.
Tossing about clutter for your guest is not showing love.
Condescension and presumption are not love.
I know my house is not perfect nor will it ever be featured in a magazine. And none of us should put that kind of pressure on ourselves. Also, whenever someone just drops by unexpectedly, we should never worry about the state of our homes. But when we invite a friend over, we should try to make them feel welcome and valued. Is cleaning up a sacrifice? Yes! But it's one that can bless a friend and minister to her.
I think the hostess who cleans her house thoroughly before company comes because she is worried what they will think of her if her home is messy, or to show off, or make her company feel inferior, does need to reexamine her motives. She has some issues that need to be dealt with, and she should leave her house as is until she can realign her motives and her heart. Certainly a prideful attitude should be checked in anything we do, but I think (hope) that most women who tidy for their guests do so out of a genuine desire to honor them.
It may seem to you that I am upbraiding messy housewives, or being judgmental. Not in the least. You may even be saying to yourself that you will never have me over for fear your house isn't up to par. But that is not the case. And I am certainly not addressing the mom with a chronic health issue or who has kids with chronic illness. I have many friends whose housekeeping skills range from pretty chaotic to downright OCD. But I love them all and whenever I am invited into their home I feel welcomed and loved. Why? Because I could tell that they had done something in anticipation of our visit. Maybe they picked flowers or put a tablecloth on the table. Maybe they set out the tea things and baked or bought a treat. Perhaps they left everything else as is, but cleared a space for us to visit. Maybe they even cleaned the entire house (but I hope not!). Maybe they were having a bad day or week, and did nothing but show genuine interest and joy in seeing me, and I was the one bringing over the treat. I didn't care about the state of her house, I cared about seeing her, and I could tell she did too, by whatever she did to get ready for company, tangible or intangible.
But I doubt in any of those cases, my hostess put out some clutter for my benefit.
Neatness may not be your thing, and that's OK. The goal is not perfection, but if we are going to put forth effort, we should put it towards order and not chaos.
But nestled in the list was an item that caught my eye. It was unexpected and different. It was something I would never think to do (and never will). It just didn't fit in with the whole idea of hospitality.
Since we all know that (according to the author) moms with young children are incapable/too tired/too busy/whatever to keep a reasonably tidy house, invite your friend over and don't clean up (and that's OK). But not only don't clean up, throw some clutter around your house to make her feel really welcome. Because, in fact, according to the author, tidiness with children is futile, so why try?
How condescending. How presumptuous. Many other adjectives came to mind, such as slothful and rude, selfish and belittling. Invite someone over, and decorate your home with clutter.
I'm not even going to go into her assumption that motherhood and housekeeping are mutually exclusive and impossible to reconcile. How women are somehow not able to mother their kids and keep house, so they should just opt for the mothering part. Certainly, motherhood changes how a woman keeps house, and she has less time to do it. She has to think faster on her feet and get creative and reorganize her home. But I'm not going to address the idea that we stay at home moms just can't handle it. OK, I have gone into it, and while I am here, why is there a prevailing opinion among younger moms that it's impossible to clean house with young children around? As if we helpless females can only be a mother or a home maker, but not both?
I think this is a cop-out. I think there is a real temptation to hide behind our kids and their needs to get out of the work it takes to make our homes places of order and peace, of rest and beauty. We don't have to sacrifice motherhood for order or the other way around. We can have both! I spend the better part of my day ministering to my 7 kids, from teaching the little ones their lessons, to reading to the wee ones and disciplining them, to helping the older ones struggle through teenagedom. I do not spend much time on housework, but somehow, it manages to get done even if it's not when and how I want.
Is this easy? No. But we didn't accept the call to motherhood and homemaking because it promised a life of ease. We chose this because we felt it was our calling and it was the right thing to do for ourselves. Will we or should we live in pristine houses that are forever clean? No. Should we live in chaos and disorder? No. But we should strive for order and peace and encourage those who struggle with this. We should teach our children that, out of gratitude for the things we have, and out of gratitude for the privilege of staying home together, we will take care of our surroundings together. This is honoring the husband and father out there slogging through his day, when he'd rather be on the golf course or puttering in his garden or just hanging out at home with his family. And when we have company coming, we get ready for them by doing things that will bless them, thinking of their comfort and needs. In doing so, we teach our children how to honor others and think more highly of them than ourselves.
A hostess who decides to toss some clutter around is presuming several things. On one hand, she presumes that her guest lives in chaos and disorder and is comfortable in it, simply because she is a mother of small children. Or, she presumes that her guest lives in chaos and disorder and doesn't like it, but has accepted her lot in life, because she is a mother of small children, and we all know that these women must all live that way. In either case, she assumes her guest would be offended or put off by a neat house. This is a double standard as well: it's OK for the messy mom to show off her mess, but it's not OK for a neat mom to be neat. Sure, most women don't really care what your house looks like; they are just glad to see you. But I think it's safe to err on the side of caution, and put your efforts into tidying up.
And so our hostess condescends to her guest by tossing about some clutter to make her feel special.
I'm not picking on this one particular blogger, as I know there is a movement afoot by younger moms to live in clutter and disorder and just let it all hang out. The particular blog I refer to is just one example. There are plenty of blogs and websites and facebook pages dedicated to disorderly living. Moms have just given up on the whole neat and tidy thing and even try to out do each other in a twisted new version of mommy wars to see who can have the messiest house. But this is going too far.
And I know that in previous generations women judged each other by how well-kept and clean their houses were, and that's not right either. I grew up in a home where cleanliness was not next to godliness, it was godliness. Order in the home trumped everything and everyone else in the home, and in that case, maybe a messier home would have meant happier children. But how about a middle ground? How about picking up the living room and setting the table for your guest? How about wiping down the powder room sink, lighting a candle, and putting up a clean towel? No need to scrub the floors and wash the windows or clean the entire house. No need to iron the bed sheets or clean the closets. Let the rest of the house just be. Just a simple gesture that takes about 10 minutes on your part to show your guest that she matters to you. That you are glad to see her and have been anticipating her visit. And in doing so, you offer her a respite from her hectic, busy day. You offer her a tidy house and a beverage and relaxation, caring for her in a way that her small children cannot. And this is showing love.
Tossing about clutter for your guest is not showing love.
Condescension and presumption are not love.
I know my house is not perfect nor will it ever be featured in a magazine. And none of us should put that kind of pressure on ourselves. Also, whenever someone just drops by unexpectedly, we should never worry about the state of our homes. But when we invite a friend over, we should try to make them feel welcome and valued. Is cleaning up a sacrifice? Yes! But it's one that can bless a friend and minister to her.
I think the hostess who cleans her house thoroughly before company comes because she is worried what they will think of her if her home is messy, or to show off, or make her company feel inferior, does need to reexamine her motives. She has some issues that need to be dealt with, and she should leave her house as is until she can realign her motives and her heart. Certainly a prideful attitude should be checked in anything we do, but I think (hope) that most women who tidy for their guests do so out of a genuine desire to honor them.
It may seem to you that I am upbraiding messy housewives, or being judgmental. Not in the least. You may even be saying to yourself that you will never have me over for fear your house isn't up to par. But that is not the case. And I am certainly not addressing the mom with a chronic health issue or who has kids with chronic illness. I have many friends whose housekeeping skills range from pretty chaotic to downright OCD. But I love them all and whenever I am invited into their home I feel welcomed and loved. Why? Because I could tell that they had done something in anticipation of our visit. Maybe they picked flowers or put a tablecloth on the table. Maybe they set out the tea things and baked or bought a treat. Perhaps they left everything else as is, but cleared a space for us to visit. Maybe they even cleaned the entire house (but I hope not!). Maybe they were having a bad day or week, and did nothing but show genuine interest and joy in seeing me, and I was the one bringing over the treat. I didn't care about the state of her house, I cared about seeing her, and I could tell she did too, by whatever she did to get ready for company, tangible or intangible.
But I doubt in any of those cases, my hostess put out some clutter for my benefit.
Neatness may not be your thing, and that's OK. The goal is not perfection, but if we are going to put forth effort, we should put it towards order and not chaos.
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