Mom or Slave?
Too many times I meet or read about moms who are completely overwhelmed by motherhood. The excitement over their new baby has waned into a life of seemingly never ending days of nursing-holding-rocking-changing diapers-trying to get a shower. They get lost in caring for a new child, and then the child turns one, two, and they are still enmeshed in seemingly never ending days of diapers-potty training-feeding-cleaning messes-laundry-playing with and entertaining their child and still trying to get a shower. It's not hard to slip into this.
I had days like that. Sometimes I still do. But back when all I had was 2 kids, and both in diapers (which is not double the work, it's more like quadruple), I struggled to manage and serve my kids and house and husband. And sometimes those became idols.
How clever of the Evil One. While he rejoices over our idol worship, I believe he takes extra pleasure when moms succumb to it and put their children/husband/housework above God. He takes pleasure when we despair over ever doing it all (serving family and God at the same time) and so opt to just serve family.
How easy is it for us to point out the idol worshiper who lusts for money or power or fame. Who spends all his money and time pursuing worldly things. Then after clucking our tongues at those people we turn our attention to our own idols, our kids, and carry on worshiping them.
Where is the balance? How are we moms to serve God, worship Him, put Him first, when we have so many earthly responsibilities? How do we love the Lord with all our strength and have some left over for our kids and husbands and home? And in our looking for the balance, we often let go of our responsibilities toward our husbands and homes, and martyr ourselves on the altar of motherhood. We tell ourselves that cooking and cleaning will wait for tomorrow but kids grow up much to our sorrow. And this is so true, and I hate that my kids are growing up. I want all of them to stay 5! But this saying, no matter how true, does not excuse us from our other duties. We can't throw all the other ones out because we can't figure out how to do all of them.
We mothers are called to love God. We are called to care for our kids. We are called to care for our husbands and our homes. We will have days when all we do is hold a fussy baby or care for a sick child, and not much else, and that's OK. But if we find ourselves always doing this, always placating a needy child, always seeing to the child's needs and desires before all else (barring special needs issues or chronic illness) completely submerged with no coming up for air, our lives are out of balance. And that is a dead-end road.
I have met the miserable mom whose child has completely taken over her life. She has lost her balance. I have been there, too. And finding my balance became yet another task in my day! Like I needed more tasks. But finding the balance, and enforcing it, it made my life easier in the long run. Finding the balance between a pristine house and children who have had my full attention all day and spending hours in quiet time, all of which are unrealistic.
Practical applications? Use baby gates and playpens. Trade babysitting with another mom. Find a mother's helper. If someone asks to babysit your child, take them up on it, or just ask. Once, I had a neighbor who rang my doorbell, more than once, and handed her baby over to me, desperation in her eyes and asked me to give her a break. Weakness? No. I was awed by her ability to see that she was nearing the end of her rope and needed to regroup and asked for help. I gladly gave it, and so will many women.
And if we find we just can't get out from under it all? If we have far too many days where we don't get showered and dressed, or are able to fix a simple supper, or any other work? Too many days with no energy and feelings of unworthiness and despair? Too many days of barely keeping our heads above water? Days that turn into weeks and maybe months? First, throw ourselves before the Throne, asking for help in our time of need. Second, ask ourselves to be honest. Have we placed our kids on the Throne? Are we worshiping them? Are we placing too much pressure on ourselves to be in our child's presence every waking moment? Third, depression is real, and often undiagnosed, so consider it a possibility and get help. If you know someone who seems to be going through this, come along side and encourage them and gently suggest they get help.
This motherhood thing is not easy. And it gets physically easier as they age, but then it gets more complicated emotionally. Emotional roller coasters are much harder to deal with than the physical demands of young children, so don't burn yourself out early. Save some energy for the teenage years. I am daily asking God for help, for wisdom, for peace. I am daily in need of His presence. He has given us these little souls to care for, not as our sole job, but one of many.
Don't feel guilty about putting up the baby gate and telling your child to find something to do. Don't beat yourself up if you have to put your young one in the playpen each morning so you can get a shower, get dressed and comb your hair. Don't martyr yourself; put your child somewhere safe for a bit, and attend to other things. They will learn they are not the center of the universe, that there are other things moms have to do. They will see you spending some time reading God's word, making dinner, washing clothes, and soon they will be doing those things alongside you. Yes, they grow up quickly, and yes we lay our lives down for our children, but don't waste their early years as a slave to them.
Balance.
I had days like that. Sometimes I still do. But back when all I had was 2 kids, and both in diapers (which is not double the work, it's more like quadruple), I struggled to manage and serve my kids and house and husband. And sometimes those became idols.
How clever of the Evil One. While he rejoices over our idol worship, I believe he takes extra pleasure when moms succumb to it and put their children/husband/housework above God. He takes pleasure when we despair over ever doing it all (serving family and God at the same time) and so opt to just serve family.
How easy is it for us to point out the idol worshiper who lusts for money or power or fame. Who spends all his money and time pursuing worldly things. Then after clucking our tongues at those people we turn our attention to our own idols, our kids, and carry on worshiping them.
Where is the balance? How are we moms to serve God, worship Him, put Him first, when we have so many earthly responsibilities? How do we love the Lord with all our strength and have some left over for our kids and husbands and home? And in our looking for the balance, we often let go of our responsibilities toward our husbands and homes, and martyr ourselves on the altar of motherhood. We tell ourselves that cooking and cleaning will wait for tomorrow but kids grow up much to our sorrow. And this is so true, and I hate that my kids are growing up. I want all of them to stay 5! But this saying, no matter how true, does not excuse us from our other duties. We can't throw all the other ones out because we can't figure out how to do all of them.
We mothers are called to love God. We are called to care for our kids. We are called to care for our husbands and our homes. We will have days when all we do is hold a fussy baby or care for a sick child, and not much else, and that's OK. But if we find ourselves always doing this, always placating a needy child, always seeing to the child's needs and desires before all else (barring special needs issues or chronic illness) completely submerged with no coming up for air, our lives are out of balance. And that is a dead-end road.
I have met the miserable mom whose child has completely taken over her life. She has lost her balance. I have been there, too. And finding my balance became yet another task in my day! Like I needed more tasks. But finding the balance, and enforcing it, it made my life easier in the long run. Finding the balance between a pristine house and children who have had my full attention all day and spending hours in quiet time, all of which are unrealistic.
Practical applications? Use baby gates and playpens. Trade babysitting with another mom. Find a mother's helper. If someone asks to babysit your child, take them up on it, or just ask. Once, I had a neighbor who rang my doorbell, more than once, and handed her baby over to me, desperation in her eyes and asked me to give her a break. Weakness? No. I was awed by her ability to see that she was nearing the end of her rope and needed to regroup and asked for help. I gladly gave it, and so will many women.
And if we find we just can't get out from under it all? If we have far too many days where we don't get showered and dressed, or are able to fix a simple supper, or any other work? Too many days with no energy and feelings of unworthiness and despair? Too many days of barely keeping our heads above water? Days that turn into weeks and maybe months? First, throw ourselves before the Throne, asking for help in our time of need. Second, ask ourselves to be honest. Have we placed our kids on the Throne? Are we worshiping them? Are we placing too much pressure on ourselves to be in our child's presence every waking moment? Third, depression is real, and often undiagnosed, so consider it a possibility and get help. If you know someone who seems to be going through this, come along side and encourage them and gently suggest they get help.
This motherhood thing is not easy. And it gets physically easier as they age, but then it gets more complicated emotionally. Emotional roller coasters are much harder to deal with than the physical demands of young children, so don't burn yourself out early. Save some energy for the teenage years. I am daily asking God for help, for wisdom, for peace. I am daily in need of His presence. He has given us these little souls to care for, not as our sole job, but one of many.
Don't feel guilty about putting up the baby gate and telling your child to find something to do. Don't beat yourself up if you have to put your young one in the playpen each morning so you can get a shower, get dressed and comb your hair. Don't martyr yourself; put your child somewhere safe for a bit, and attend to other things. They will learn they are not the center of the universe, that there are other things moms have to do. They will see you spending some time reading God's word, making dinner, washing clothes, and soon they will be doing those things alongside you. Yes, they grow up quickly, and yes we lay our lives down for our children, but don't waste their early years as a slave to them.
Balance.
Wow just found your blog and read this. It is really something I need to learn and put into practice. Thanks for sharing.
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