Pre- or Post-K Woman?
Recently I had a brief conversation via email (as much as you can have a "conversation" that way) with a mom of young kids. She writes for the local paper and her latest piece caught my eye. Long story short, she has ruled out a third child because she has a boy and a girl, and it's expensive enough with just two. So I wrote to her with another perspective (my own, of course) to start a conversation.
She was polite and brief, and said she likes being a mom, but really likes working outside the home to be herself; the person she was before kids came along.
And it hit me; that's the draw for so many women. The allure of working outside the home; the promise that you can be yourself- the self you were before kids. As if there is something wrong with you or lacking because now you have kids. As if somehow you are not good enough now you are a mom; you have to have this other job to be good enough, to be complete. I just have to be the woman I was pre-kiddos to be happy and feel successful and content. I'm not satisfied being just a mom. I'm not productive enough just being a mom. I am selling myself and my education short by just being a mom.
What lies. And so many of us fall for them; I have been tempted at times to think along those lines. But it got me thinking, as things do: would I ever want to be the woman I was before kids? Is that even possible? I can't remember what I was like then, but I am pretty sure I was not nearly as interesting. I'm also pretty sure I was more selfish and short tempered and had a lower threshold for chaos and noise.
Children change us. Forever. And usually for the better. I feel sorry for the kids of moms who long to be the woman they used to be, rather than embracing the woman they have become. Moms who long for the good old days, before diapers and potty training, before interrupted sleep and runny noses. Because they are caught up in the short term. Caught up in the tiredness and frustration and see no end in sight, and so set their sights on something that seems better. So caught up in trying to live in the past, hanging on to that long-ago woman or trying to be a mom and the long-ago woman at the same time, she fails to see the beauty in the now- in motherhood. And the kids know it. They know they are second best or in competition for mom's attention and affection and aspirations.
Motherhood is unlike any other job; we are given charge of eternal souls to love and nurture and raise up to adulthood. There is no other job like this. It's the only job that we can fully embrace and pour ourselves into; we are always on the clock even if the kids are in the care of someone else. And out of fear of losing themselves (the old self), some women opt to keep one foot in the outside world and one foot in the mommy world. But I say: throw yourself into it, no fear, and see what happens. See what God can do with you. See how He will grow you and change you and enable you to do things you never thought you could.
(There are women who have to work, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, and they are not fooling themselves. I am not talking about them).
And the Mommy Wars rage around us; stay at home moms feeling better than the working moms; working moms feeling better than the stay at home moms and all of them feeling guilty. Guilty for staying at home and throwing away their education; guilty for leaving their children in the care of someone else while pursuing a career.
The writer I was conversing with stated (in her email to me) she loved to work, yet publicly, in her column, has stated how guilty she feels that her kids will not be at home enjoying a summer filled with swim lessons and popsicles and lazy afternoons. Why? Because she is working. See the conflict? See the confusion? And the losers are the kids.
My kids know that I am fully committed to raising them and being there for them until they leave home for good. They know they are my priority. Not that I put them on a pedestal and worship them. Not that they are puffed up with self importance. I do have hobbies and other interests. I am not their slave. But they know their place. They may be confused about life and their future and they may have doubts about themselves, as teenagers are known to do. But they know where they fit in here at home. They may rail against the rules and pout over things; they may argue and stomp up to their room. But they know they are safe at home base. They know.
She was polite and brief, and said she likes being a mom, but really likes working outside the home to be herself; the person she was before kids came along.
And it hit me; that's the draw for so many women. The allure of working outside the home; the promise that you can be yourself- the self you were before kids. As if there is something wrong with you or lacking because now you have kids. As if somehow you are not good enough now you are a mom; you have to have this other job to be good enough, to be complete. I just have to be the woman I was pre-kiddos to be happy and feel successful and content. I'm not satisfied being just a mom. I'm not productive enough just being a mom. I am selling myself and my education short by just being a mom.
What lies. And so many of us fall for them; I have been tempted at times to think along those lines. But it got me thinking, as things do: would I ever want to be the woman I was before kids? Is that even possible? I can't remember what I was like then, but I am pretty sure I was not nearly as interesting. I'm also pretty sure I was more selfish and short tempered and had a lower threshold for chaos and noise.
Children change us. Forever. And usually for the better. I feel sorry for the kids of moms who long to be the woman they used to be, rather than embracing the woman they have become. Moms who long for the good old days, before diapers and potty training, before interrupted sleep and runny noses. Because they are caught up in the short term. Caught up in the tiredness and frustration and see no end in sight, and so set their sights on something that seems better. So caught up in trying to live in the past, hanging on to that long-ago woman or trying to be a mom and the long-ago woman at the same time, she fails to see the beauty in the now- in motherhood. And the kids know it. They know they are second best or in competition for mom's attention and affection and aspirations.
Motherhood is unlike any other job; we are given charge of eternal souls to love and nurture and raise up to adulthood. There is no other job like this. It's the only job that we can fully embrace and pour ourselves into; we are always on the clock even if the kids are in the care of someone else. And out of fear of losing themselves (the old self), some women opt to keep one foot in the outside world and one foot in the mommy world. But I say: throw yourself into it, no fear, and see what happens. See what God can do with you. See how He will grow you and change you and enable you to do things you never thought you could.
(There are women who have to work, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, and they are not fooling themselves. I am not talking about them).
And the Mommy Wars rage around us; stay at home moms feeling better than the working moms; working moms feeling better than the stay at home moms and all of them feeling guilty. Guilty for staying at home and throwing away their education; guilty for leaving their children in the care of someone else while pursuing a career.
The writer I was conversing with stated (in her email to me) she loved to work, yet publicly, in her column, has stated how guilty she feels that her kids will not be at home enjoying a summer filled with swim lessons and popsicles and lazy afternoons. Why? Because she is working. See the conflict? See the confusion? And the losers are the kids.
My kids know that I am fully committed to raising them and being there for them until they leave home for good. They know they are my priority. Not that I put them on a pedestal and worship them. Not that they are puffed up with self importance. I do have hobbies and other interests. I am not their slave. But they know their place. They may be confused about life and their future and they may have doubts about themselves, as teenagers are known to do. But they know where they fit in here at home. They may rail against the rules and pout over things; they may argue and stomp up to their room. But they know they are safe at home base. They know.
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